It was just an experience.

Five years ago, I started a new church.

Not by myself, of course. My husband and I were one of six couples that were part of the “core” group, the leadership team. We left our home church, with the blessing of the pastoral team, and stepped out in faith. Excited. Committed. Passionate.

And less than a year later, we left that church plant. Broken. Defeated. Devastated.

Since then, I’ve tried to bury the pain of that experience and ignore the confusion that wreaked havoc on my faith. Mark and I only dared talk about what happened with the church plant with our friends who left the new church just as scarred and weary, and even then, rehashing old wounds became redundant and pointless.

Recently, though, a new friend asked me what happened. And so Mark and I told our story, our interpretation of what happened between the hope of a new adventure and the disappointment of a failed experiment. The telling brought back suppressed emotions and forgotten details. But it also revealed a new perspective.

Ever since that evening – where my friends learned, I’m sure, way more than they wanted – my mind and my heart have been dancing around this topic. And slowly, finally, I think I’m gaining some traction in my path toward recovery.

It’s a slow journey, though, and one filled with difficult lessons and painful revelations. Like when I realized just how much of the situation was my fault.

So I wasn’t surprised when this weekend’s sermon pricked my still-tender, church-planting heart. I heard the pastor say the words, I felt the sting as they hit their target, and I tried to shake it off. Brushing at the tears seeping out of my eye. Flipping through the bulletin for something else, anything else to catch my attention.

But I couldn’t avoid the words: Sometimes we worship the experience, instead of the GOD of the experience.

Over the past 4+ years, I’ve held onto the hurt, wishing I could just get over it, but unable to figure out exactly how. And as time has passed, my memories of that experience have taken more prominence in my heart and my head than what God did during that time.

I think part of the reason – though not an excuse – is that as we stood among the ruins of ministries, friendships and dreams, I couldn’t help but wonder:

Why did God let this happen?
Didn’t he know we were doing this for Him?
Did we misinterpret God’s will?
Maybe He didn’t want us to do this . . .
When I couldn’t figure out what God had been saying, what He was saying right then, what He intended for us to do, what He wanted me to do now – I stopped thinking about it. Or, more accurately, I stopped thinking about Him.

And all I focused on – really, all I worshipped – was that experience. The excitement of starting something new, the high of following God’s will and building His kingdom, the satisfaction of working hard and accomplishing even just a few great things. Those were the things I remembered.

I also recalled the frustration of disagreements, the betrayals, the disappointments. But I forgot to remember the WHY and the HOW.

Because both those questions, whether revolving around the highs or the lows of planting a church, lead me straight back to God.

After warning the missions team to point their worship toward God and not just the experience of their trip, our youth pastor told the congregation how we can avoid this kind of misplaced devotion. He said that if we can just go back and find God in the experience, then we’ll be able to start worshipping the One who created the experience in the first place.

My time as a church planter was short-lived (for now). But I let that brief period become a sort of idol and worshipped it instead of learning and growing. Today, when I look back, I can find God in the experience.

I see Him in the way we chose our church and the way we found our Sunday school class.
I see Him in the way we developed friendships and learned to do life with a few couples.
I see Him in the day that our teacher – and soon-to-be pastor – told us about his plans.
I see Him in the fire we felt as we embarked on our journey.

And it’s hard, but I see Him in the way things didn’t go according to those plans and the slow-but-sure disillusion we felt – and the deep hurts we’ve nursed since then.

The interesting thing is that as I rip my eyes from the experience and begin to turn them back toward God, the experience loses its grip on me. It hurts a little bit less. It doesn’t seem quite so overwhelming and insurmountable.

Worshipping God – and not just the experiences He creates for us – puts everything back into perspective. It helps me see that He is big, and I am small. And that one experience isn’t the whole world – or the end of the world, in my case. It’s just an experience.

Have you ever struggled to focus on God instead of what He gives us? How have you learned to put experiences in proper perspective?

Image by shaferlens.

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Worshipping the experience vs. worshipping God

Yesterday was our nursery day. We serve once a month, wiping noses and rolling balls with an occasionally rowdy and always cute group of 12-18 month olds.

I don’t love doing it, but I don’t mind. Mark is not nearly as fond of it, but that could be partly because I usually put him on Kleenex duty. (Hey, as the lead teacher, I’m on diaper duty. So he really shouldn’t complain.)

This week, though, we lucked out. Well, I say “we,” but I really mean ME. Mark was down and out with the flu for a couple days (although after literally [yes, literally] sleeping for 24 hours, he seems to be on the mend), so I was on my own.

And we had NO kids in the nursery. It was weird. I had everything ready; I even got there early. The sign-up sheet was outside the door, the attendance sheet was ready, the Kleenex box was full. I even had pieces of masking tape torn off for labeling bags and sippy cups.

But no kids. So after waiting for about 20 minutes, I got to sneak into church. I’m so glad I did.

Our youth group went to the Philippines for a mission trip, and they talked to our congregation this Sunday about what they saw and what they learned.

Two high school kids talked about what God taught them during the trip, they showed a video of their time in Manila (including some pretty good dancing for Baptist kids), and then the youth pastor spoke.

He said he wanted to address the elephant in the room.

The kids and adult leaders had just walked across the platform up front, holding what they called cardboard testimonies. One side of their posters said things like “Eyes closed” and “God provides some things,” while the flip side said, “Eyes opened” and “God provides everything.”

Our pastor said he knew what we were thinking: How long will this last? How long until they go back to normal?

He said he was concerned for all of them, himself included, that the passion they felt would fade. And he said after reading in Deuteronomy (I don’t know where; I didn’t have my Bible on hand since I had planned to be in the nursery.), he realized the reason we all have trouble sustaining the fire we feel during a mountaintop experience.

We worship the experience, instead of the GOD of the experience.

Wow.

The testimonies of the kids and the video and the cardboard made me cry. I couldn’t seem to stop my right eye from leaking the whole morning. But that statement right there?

Well, it just about did me in. Because it applies to a very specific part of my life, and I hadn’t realized until that moment that as I’ve tried to process and deal with and recover from what happened, I've been worshipping the experience.

I’ll talk more about that tomorrow. But for now, I’m wondering if you’ve had this happen in your life. Have you ever had an amazing experience with God, really heard from Him or seen Him work – only to realize later that you had begun worshipping the experience and not God?

Have you worshipped the experience instead of the God of the experience?

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Thrive Africa: Top 10 and a Giveaway

Today I want to tell you about my friend, Alece.

(And in case you’re like me and are saying “Alice” in your head, let me set you straight. Her name is pronounced like “Elise.” Just so you know. The things you can learn in a video post, am I right?)

For a long time, I didn’t know much about what Alece does. I read her blog and comments on other people’s blogs. Sometimes we commented on each other’s blogs, but for a while, that was all. I eventually figured out that she’s a missionary in Africa, but honestly, I didn’t look much deeper.

Then I started reading more about her ministry and became true bloggy friends with her and even got to meet her. And now?

I’m 100 percent, completely and totally in love and on board with Alece and what she does.

{Not that I didn’t love her before. But to know someone and her heart for ministry? It’s a whole different level of friendship and respect and all that good stuff.}

See, around the same time I was sloooowly getting to know Alece and what she does, God was sloooowly breaking my heart for missions.

I’ve told you before about how I never really cared about missions. I’ve admitted that I had no desire to do anything other than give my missionary friends a pat on the back and thank God for not calling me to live in the desert or the jungle or the hood.

Alece didn’t have quite the same experience. I love how she describes it on her blog:

Africa steals the hearts of anyone who comes here. I know. It happened to me.

I got the missions bug in me when I went on my first mission trip at 14. At 16, I was ruined forever by a two-month trip to Southern Africa. I went home with more than a tan and some wooden carvings. I knew I’d spend my life on this continent, with these beautiful people.

I moved to South Africa when I was 19. I didn’t know much, beyond the fact that God called me here. I’ve learned a lot over the past decade+ of living in Africa, but in many ways I still don’t know much. And I’m okay with that. I’ll be a student of Africa forever.

After moving to South Africa in 1998, Alece founded Thrive Africa, a ministry that disciples believers, equips leaders and strengthens the Church in South Africa. Everything they do is focused on guiding people into a growing relationship with God and training them to be competent, upright leaders.

Like so many companies and organizations, Thrive Africa is having some hard times financially. In another incredible leap of faith, they set a God-sized goal to raise $80,000 by June 1.

Which is right around the corner. As in . . . next week!

So today I’m asking you to consider joining Thrive Africa in 10 Buck Tuesday. Just $10 can provide . . .

• Year-round vegetable gardens for three families
• Weekly transport for a coach to teach hundreds of students
• Paper for printing discipleship materials
• A day’s wages for three national employees
• 5 AIDS prevention workbooks, teaching students God’s ways

To give you a larger glimpse into the work Thrive Africa is doing, here are the Top 10 reasons why we should support them. Keep reading . . . there’s a giveaway at the end!

The Top 10 Reasons to Support Thrive Africa

1. Our Leadership Summit program is breaking barriers of communication and providing vital knowledge to turn the tide of the AIDS pandemic in southern Africa. 93% of our partnering pastors report that sexual activity among their youth is a significant problem – and they’re asking us to help. 50% of our surveyed students still need to know essential truths about HIV/AIDS.
2. Boitsebelo School reported zero teen pregnancies this year, due to the impact of Leadership Summit. Their headmaster, Mr. Lebone said this: “Much has been done in terms of equipping students with tools and knowledge to make wise decisions. Example, during the past years we had several learners who got pregnant, but we don’t have even one learner who is pregnant this year.”
3. One Hand-in-Hand conference equips 100 church leaders. We’re aiming to change what’s been said about the African church – that it’s a mile wide and only an inch deep.
4. LaunchPad students come to our discipleship classes during their free time because they are hungry to know about God. Your $10 helps us get to our six classes each week. Our160 LaunchPad students are developing connections with Christ, building relationships with our staff team, learning to make prayer a lifestyle and experiencing what it means to never be alone.
5. Nearly 400 students participate in our quarterly IMPACT conferences, where they are equipped and advanced as leaders. Eighteen schools in QwaQwa (South Africa) participate in our conferences, and hundreds of schools are still waiting for the opportunity.
6. We equip and mentor 23 coaches who impart hope and knowledge to approximately 4,000 students every two weeks.
7. The Department of Education has granted Thrive Africa unlimited access to the schools in our entire district (over 300). Our limitation is the funds to pay for additional coaches and curriculum. Just $10 pays a days’ wages for two coaches or for five curriculum books.
8. Thrive is investing in 52 national staff members and combating the 88% unemployment rate. Your gift of just $10 covers a day’s wages for two South African staff.
9. Your investment in Thrive is guaranteed to multiply. As we invest in pastors and other church leaders, they become equipped to invest in others and bring lasting change to this nation.
10. For less than the cost of a date night or coffee with a friend or a new CD, you can equip a nation for tomorrow and make an eternal impact on our world. Our investment in South Africa is exponential because we extend our reach of God-centered change by raising up indigenous leaders who will model the same. We believe in teaching men to fish rather than solely giving them a fish for today.

These reasons were taken from the Thrive Africa blog.

Now for the giveaway! Do you like coffee? Do you care about Africa? Well, howsabout we put those things together and give you a lovely red Thrive Africa mug and a bag of Thrive Africa blend coffee?!

{The certified fair trade and organic coffee comes from Africa in the Sidamo region of Ethiopia. It’s coffee from Africa for Africa!}

To enter the giveaway, do one of the following and leave a comment telling me about it. For additional entries, do more than one of the following and leave a {separate} comment for each one.

• LIKE: Thrive Africa on Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/thriveafrica)
• FOLLOW: Thrive Africa on Twitter (@impactSA)
• TWEET: $10 goes farther than you think. Join in the fight against AIDS in africa. http://10bucktuesday.com/ #10BuckTues
• DONATE: http://10bucktuesday.com/

Random.org will choose a winner after midnight on Thursday, and I’ll announce the winner on Friday.

This post will be linked to Top Ten Tuesday at OhAmanda.

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Taking requests

Today is the National Day of Prayer. So - how can I pray for you?

(Don't be shy. Someone has to start . . . )

Updated: Thank you so much for trusting me with your prayer requests. I am honored that you share your lives with me, and I will be praying for each and every one of you.

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Does God have a Plan B for my life (and yours?)

I have a cedar chest that my parents got me when I was 12. It’s filled with old medals and photos and art projects. It’s also filled with notebooks and journals and one small diary with a lousy lock I’m not sure ever worked.

The diary was a gift in middle school, I think, and I scribbled my deepest thoughts all over it. (You know, because I assumed the lock worked.)

One entry is funny today (okay, let’s be honest, a lot of old diary entries are funny today!), because in it I wrote about the four possible scenarios I saw for my future (adult) life. I wrote about great romance and independence and big families and amazing careers.

Never once did I think that I would:

• Be laid off from the job I’d worked toward for several years
• Have such a scary pregnancy with my first child that I’m scared to have another one
• Step out in faith to help plant a church only to be devastated when it failed
• Acquire so much credit card debt that it would take consolidation and several years of huge payments to pay it off

And, of course, the list goes on. I’m not saying that to be negative. Of course I have a similar list of the wonderful things that have happened that I never dreamed – and it’s way longer, just so you know. But the life I’m living today is nowhere near the life I planned or expected or hoped for.

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in that. And Pete Wilson has written a book about this very thing. Here’s a summary of his book, Plan B:

Learn how God often does His best work in our most hopeless situations.

What do you do when a shattered dream or an unmet expectation causes you to turn to Plan B? Pastor and author Pete Wilson uses real life stories of disappointments and tragedy along with biblical stories such as David, Joseph, and Ruth to help readers face their own overwhelming situations and through them to learn God is working to help them surrender their plans to receive His. He identifies our common responses to difficulties and offers hope, helping us to understand what God might be up to.

See how surrender helps us to receive God's plan Embrace the community of believers Reconcile a God of love with a life of tragedy and suffering Wilson points readers to the cross as not just the starting line but the centerpiece of our stories with God where we turn in our Plan B and find the undeniable relationship between crisis and true spiritual transformation.

Do you know Pete? Of course, I don’t mean, do you know him, know him. I mean, do you read his blog (Without Wax) or follow him on Twitter (@pwilson)? He’s the pastor of a large church in Nashville, and I started reading him (following him? stalking him?) a couple years ago.

When I heard that he was writing a book called, “Plan B,” I was so excited. I feel like my life is a whole lot of Plan B, and I couldn’t wait to hear what Pete had to say about God’s role in that.

Because apparently I’m not the only one who has asked God, “Why is this happening? Don’t you know that I had other plans? And THIS isn’t it?!”

I’ll be honest. In true “giving up on perfect” fashion, I haven’t finished reading the book yet. I’m a fast reader, but when I know a book is going to be important, I force myself to slow down and really concentrate on each chapter.

But even though I’m just about halfway through “Plan B,” I can tell you already: it is good. And it is going to make a difference in my life.

In the first couple of chapters, I thought, “This is fine. I enjoy Pete’s writing, and I suppose he has some good points in here.” But I was actually a little disappointed. (Poor Pete. I really had high expectations for his book!)

Then I got to Chapter Six. And he starts talking about God’s will.

I found myself re-reading several pages – not because I didn’t understand them the first time, but because what he was saying was so important (to me) that I wanted to make sure the words fully sank in.

And that wasn’t even enough. I dog-eared the page so I could go back later!

I have a feeling I’ll be dog-earing and highlighting a lot more pages as I move deeper into the book. Yes, I like Pete’s writing. He’s conversational and honest and funny. But more importantly, he’s sharing something that I need to hear, something God wants us to understand, and something he (Pete, not God) has learned through his own life experiences.

If any part of your life hasn’t turned out the way you thought it would or should, I recommend reading Plan B by Pete Wilson. You can learn more about the book on its website, www.planbbook.com, including this video.

Have you ever had to face a Plan B in your life?

Side note: Pete lives in Nashville, which has been slammed with crazy rains and flooding this last weekend. He's posted on his blog about ways people - both local and across the country - can help.

Disclosure: I received this book free as part of Thomas Nelson’s Booksneeze program.

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Perspective on a Monday

I have not had a good week, you all. It seems that every aspect of my life - work, home, parenting, marriage, finances, blogging - is overwhelming, discouraging, frustrating or all of the above!

But instead of dwelling on all that (because, believe me, it's boring), I'm going to share the view I had last week as I left Cedar Falls, Iowa. I'd just been blessed to spend the afternoon with two amazing women, two blog friends who are real friends, and this is what I drove into for about 45 minutes.

I love it when rays come through the clouds like that. When I was a kid, I thought it was God pouring His love down on us.

Okay . . . I still think that.

A couple weeks ago, I was having a rotten morning. As I rushed down the hall of Annalyn's daycare, I barely glanced at the mom and son in the foyer. But as I walked back out, cringing at the screams I could still hear coming from my child's mouth (how much do I just love that separation anxiety comes and goes more than once?), that mom said, "Have a great day!"

I looked over at her, sitting there beside her son and smiling. And I remembered that I really don't have that much to complain about. See, she was sitting with her son, like she does every morning, waiting for the bus that takes him to his preschool. She sits next to him, and he sits in his wheelchair.

My daughter gets 60 minutes of physical therapy once a week. And she takes it upon herself to exert her strong-willed personality every single day by yelling, screaming, hitting, pulling and running away.

But that little boy? Can't do any of those things, despite therapy services much more extensive than Annalyn's. And yet, there's his mom, every morning: smiling and laughing and, I imagine, thankful for what she has.

It's good to have perspective, isn't it?

Has anything put life into perspective for you lately?

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Heart and Story / Necklace and Book

One of the richest blessings I’ve received as a result of being a part of this crazy blog world is the amazing women of faith I’ve met. Some I’ve met and hugged in real life, while others I’ve only read their stories, crying and laughing along with the details of their lives.

Lisa is one I’ve met and hugged. Angie is one I’ve only read her story. Both have touched my heart.

Lisa Leonard is a beautiful jewelry designer – and by that, I mean that she’s beautiful and that she designs beautiful jewelry!

After spending a couple days with her at Blissdom, I tried to explain something I saw when I looked at her. See, her blog is full of photos in soft, muted colors. It’s gentle on the eyes. And there’s something about Lisa that is gentle on the soul.

I don’t really know how to describe what I thought. I guess that all sounds a bit crazy. But even though I told her how pastel-ly she was, Lisa was still kind enough to let me give away one of her necklaces.

As I looked at my list of books to read this spring, I knew exactly which necklace I wanted to give away.

What? How does that even make sense? [And, side note, it’s possible that none of this makes sense anyway. It’s real late, Annalyn got up real early, and I’m darned tired. But I digress. I do that when I’m tired. And never when I’m rested. Of course.]

Angie Smith lost her daughter, Audrey, shortly after she was born. Her story is devastating, but the way the Smith family has lived through it – and lived to tell it – is amazing and inspiring and encouraging.

Angie has written a book about her experience, and Lisa has designed a necklace in honor of Angie and Audrey. It’s called Audrey’s Necklace: Marked by Love. It’s lovely, and it’s designed to remind us that, as Lisa wrote on her website, “Some lives, though short, profoundly change the world and leave a mark on our hearts.”

Today I’m giving away Lisa’s necklace and a copy of Angie’s book, I Will Carry You. To enter, leave a comment telling about a book you’re looking forward to reading this spring OR about a piece of jewelry that means something special to you.

For an additional chance to win, follow Lisa on Twitter or follow me on Twitter.

And don’t forget to enter the other giveaways if you haven’t already! (Stuff Christians Like book and Point of Grace cookbook and CD)

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A Holy Day and a blog anniversary (they're not the same thing)

Did you have a good Easter weekend? Mine was tiring, but in a good way. Our church had six services between Friday and Sunday – and that means six services of singing. And not quiet, easy kind of singing, but sing-my-head-off, blow-the-roof-off singing! At one point, our music called for the Triple F – as in, fortississimo, or really, REALLY loud!

I also broke in a new pair of shoes, and I’m happy to report that my feet have not, in fact, fallen off. And Annalyn got to hunt for Easter eggs not once, but twice, while wearing not one, but two, Easter dresses. (On separate days, not at the same time.)

On Good Friday, one of the congregational songs we sang was Keith Getty’s Beneath the Cross. These lyrics really spoke to me, and I hope they might mean something to you, too:

Beneath the cross of Jesus
I find a place to stand,
And wonder at such mercy
That calls me as I am;
For hands that should discard me
Hold wounds which tell me, "Come."
Beneath the cross of Jesus
My unworthy soul is won.

Good word, right?

I’d love to leave it right there, but I have some blog business to attend to today. Namely – it’s my second blog anniversary!

That’s right. Two short – or long, depending on who and when you’re asking – years ago, I ventured to Blogger.com, created a page and wrote about my deepest, darkest feelings.

And cheese dip. Because some things never change.

As I’ve gotten more familiar and involved with the blog world, I’ve found that most people start writing a blog, never sure if anyone will ever read their words.

I didn’t have that same experience. I was lucky enough to start blogging with a built-in audience – and no, I’m not talking about my mother or my husband! My friend, Chelley, and several of her friends had been blogging for quite a while. And they were kind enough to support me and comment on my posts – from deep thoughts to Mexican food and back.

So, today I’d like to send a BIG thank you to Chelley, Mel, Hobsis, BusyMommy, Kimberly and HonorMommy. You are some of the sweetest, funniest, smartest and godliest women I know. And without you, I would have no blog. Thank you.

To celebrate this momentous occasion – and to appreciate ALL of my wonderful blog readers – I’ll be giving away some fun stuff this week. So don’t forget to come back tomorrow (and the next day and the next . . . )!

Until then, though, will you leave a comment and tell me either when you started YOUR blog or when you started reading blogs (if you don’t have one of your own)? Don’t be shy. Even if you don’t normally comment, will you do it today? Puh-retty please?

Happy anniversary, friends. We’re in for a fun week!

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It just happened.

I started a blog because I was bored. And a little lonely. I thought it would be a good place to get my thoughts out and maybe keep in better touch with my friend, Chelley.

I never intended to make friends all over the country.

I had no plans to make a dime, much less make a plan for monetizing.

I certainly had no intention to grow a heart for missions.

And yet . . .

*****

When I was in college, I had a few friends who went on mission trips. And then at the first church we attended after moving back to Kansas City, we became close friends with a couple training to translate the Bible for the people of Indonesia. Later, when we moved to the church we still attend, we met lots more people determined to answer that Great Commission . . . overseas . . . far away . . . in the mission field.

And every time I’d meet another missionary or learn that one of my new friends was, in fact, a missionary (gasp!), I’d say the same thing:

“I’m so glad God didn’t call me to missions.”

*****

At first I only read a handful of blogs. Chelley’s, of course, and the blogs her grad school friends wrote. But one day – maybe nothing good was on TV or I was up late, letting my newborn cry it out – I branched out. I read other blogs.

Those other blogs led to more blogs, which led to even more blogs.

And somewhere between just reading a handful of blogs and the hundreds of blogs that clog up my Google Reader today, I stumbled onto a group of women who have changed my life.

Shannon at Rocks in My Dryer.
Sophie at BooMama.
Melanie at Big Mama.

Are these ladies funny? Sure. But while I do enjoy their rambling, clever posts, it was their hearts for Compassion International that moved me.

Moved me to tears.
Moved me to sponsor a child in Ghana.
Moved me to reconsider how I spend my money.

I used to thank God for not calling me to missions. But now I know differently. He’s called me, all right.

To what, I don’t know.

Maybe just to sponsor a little girl named Elizabeth.
Maybe to use the money from a job change to pay off debt faster – instead of getting a new cell phone.
Maybe to tell you about what I’ve learned from Compassion.

Or maybe something more.

I don’t know. But this sure isn’t why I started a blog. THIS is what I would call an unintended consequence. Since stumbling on the first Compassion blogger posts . . .

I've been glued to my screen every time a group goes on a trip.
I've applied to go on a trip myself.
I've cried tears of joy - and maybe a couple of envy - when each new blogger mission trip group is announced.

Shaun Groves has asked how God has changed and surprised us. Well, this is it.

Because of the Compassion bloggers, I am changed.
Because of the Compassion bloggers, my heart is broken.
Because of the Compassion bloggers, I can no longer say, “I’m so glad God didn’t call me to missions.”

Has God changed or surprised you lately?

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Beauty and Losing It – Week 4

This was me in 1990. Since then I’ve lost those hideous glasses, straightened and whitened my teeth (good heavens, how could a 5th grader have such horrible yellow teeth?), gained a few million pounds and gotten a somewhat better haircut.

Oh yeah, and my mom finally allowed me to wear makeup. (And shave my legs, but let’s be honest: I’m not nearly as excited about that as I was back then.)

But in my heart? I’m still that ugly duckling . . . and I’ll never be a swan.

I know, I know. That’s a ridiculous thought. Not because I’m some supermodel, though my mom insists on calling me Beautiful Baby Girl and my husband is smart enough to say I’m pretty.

No, it’s ridiculous because I Was Created In God’s Image. And we’re all beautiful, each and every one of us. I know. I KNOW.

But do I really believe that?

Well, no. Not really. I mean, I believe it about you. Sure. But me? No. I’m a nearsighted, yellow-toothed chubby dork. No matter what I see in the mirror, a small part of me still feels like that 11-year-old girl.

I’m not asking for sympathy or fishing for compliments. SERIOUSLY. I’m just admitting to one more bit of my CRAZY. My friend Sarah has had guest posters talk about beauty all week and asked us to do the same.

So there you have it. My kind of late night, definitely stream of consciousness thoughts on beauty – or lack of.

Now don’t go planning an intervention for me. I’m not dwelling on this craziness, I promise. But it’s there. Do you have a definition of beauty – or lack of – in a dark corner of your heart?

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On a related note, I guess it’s time to talk Losing It 10, huh?

This week I went walking one night with my friend Brittany (and Annalyn who was so excited to see her friend “Bernie” and actually cooperated when I put her in her stroller). And I’m drinking lots of water. (Yes, I will mention that every week. Sometimes it’s all I’ve got, okay?!) And even though I have not written down all my food and points, I have figured the points on most my food. So there’s that.

I am committing to writing down everything I eat this next week. I did it the first two weeks and lost weight. It’s really the only way I can keep myself on track.

How did you do this last week? And what’s your goal for next week?

Each week for the next 7 weeks, Jessie from Vanderbilt Wife, Ashleigh from Heart & Home and I will be sharing a peek (or in the case of this wordy ramble, an oversized bay window) into our weight loss journeys.

If you’d like to take the challenge to Lose It (#LosingIt10 on Twitter, by the way), write about your own journey, link to this site in your post, and share a link to your blog post in our weekly carnival. The bloggers who link up at least six out of the 10 weeks will be eligible for our prize package of a six-month subscription to The Six O'Clock Scramble (a meal planning service), a Weight Watchers pedometer and a gift card to Dick's Sporting Goods.

The winner will be the person who loses the largest percentage of his or her body weight during the 10 weeks.

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Who wants a worm, anyway?

 

Image by chefranden

I’m trying to become an early bird.

A few weeks ago, I decided that I really need to start getting up earlier. Of course, I make this decision about once a month, so it isn’t quite a dramatic statement as it seems.

But this time I actually prayed about it. I asked God to help me get up earlier. And you know what happened the next morning? A certain two-year-old woke up a good 40 minutes earlier than normal!

And she’s been doing that for the past several days, waking up and hollering, “Get me out, Mommy!” until I pull myself out of bed and join the land of the living.

Now that Annalyn’s going to daycare, we’re going to have to make this a regular thing, this getting up before the last minute, this rising before the sun, this not hitting snooze half a dozen times.

It’ll be good for me. Right? Staying up late and sleeping in is overrated, right? (Not that 7 a.m. is sleeping in. Because it’s not.)

Yes, I think I’m convinced. Getting up early will be good. As a matter of fact, I thought of 10 benefits of getting up early, and I’m linking up to OhAmanda’s Top Ten Tuesday (which is hosted at Mandi’s It’s Come 2 This today).

1. I can finally, once and for all, for real this time read my Bible every morning.
2. I could change a load of laundry. And maybe, after a bunch of early mornings in a row, my hamper might be empty for at least 10 minutes.
3. I can empty the dishwasher before breakfast. So I can actually sit down with Annalyn at dinnertime.
4. If I get up before the sun, it’s possible I might actually snap a picture of it coming up. (I said it’s possible, not probable. Quit laughing.)
5. Once I get tired of oatmeal (my Weight Watchers breakfast strategy), I’ll have time to scrambled an egg and nuke some turkey sausage.
6. If I’m really feeling good (and Annalyn’s not awake and wanting to play blocks, watch a movie or play with her clubhouse), I could work out. Water aerobics class is over for now, but that doesn’t mean I can’t pop in a Walk Away the Pounds, Shred or even Tae-Bo video.
7. I can wear my needs-to-be-ironed shirts. The ones that have been crammed in the back of my closet for months because I never have time to iron.
8. I can make coffee for Mark and wake him up nicely – as in, without shouting, “Come on! You’ve got to get up now! I’m going to be late!”
9. I can actually dry my hair and go to work looking like a grown-up.
10. I can breathe. Instead of spending the first hour of my day in a panic, I can spend that time with purpose.

Are you an early bird? If not, what could you accomplish if you got up a few minutes early?

Also, for inspiration to wake up earlier, you should check out Kat’s new blog, Inspired to Action.

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(in)courage: Can Your Shampoo Do This?

When I was 15, life was tough. The boy I liked didn’t like me. And the boy who liked me wouldn’t leave me alone. My basketball coach didn’t care if I had asthma (or short, chubby legs). My friends and I were accused of being a clique. And my mom was always on my case for something.

Life was tough, I’m telling you.

Looking back, of course, I can’t quite summon the angst and anxiety of that freshman girl. It’s not that what I worried about wasn’t important; it was. But those things carry a different importance this far down the road. For example, it’s hard to remember just how desperate young, unrequited love can feel after being married for 10 years.

What I can recall, however, is the rock bottom feeling of being completely overwhelmed with life. Partly because the feeling was so strong then that even 16 years isn’t enough time to completely dull its pain.

Partly because in the deepest, most insecure part of my heart, I’m still 15.

To read the rest of my article, please visit (in)courage.

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My 2010 New Year's Resolutions

Image by katehra

It’s that time of year again, isn’t it? In the past week, I’ve read post after post about New Year’s resolutions. So of course I’m going to join the party.

Would you be surprised to know that I have a two-page typed document with my goals listed out with various strategies and tactics for achieving each one? Right. No. I know.

Don’t worry. I know your eyes are still bleeding from yesterday’s crazy long post. So I’ll keep this short and sweet. Here are my goals for 2010:

1. Read the Bible all the way through. I’ve never done this, so I finally did what I’ve said I should for the past couple of years: I bought a One Year Bible. Granted, it’s now the 8th and I’ve just gotten started. But I have gotten started.
2. Obtain and maintain a healthy weight. I started a water aerobics class on Monday, and I’m still a member of Weight Watchers. This is the year I will get healthy.
3. Improve our finances: live within a budget, save more and pay off some debt. I’ve already increased the amount automatically deposited to savings each month, and I’ve allocated extra paychecks to pay for car maintenance, gifts and vacation. Now it’s a matter of sticking to my revised monthly budget and figuring out how to pay for birthdays and Christmas.
4. Go on monthly dates with Mark. I’ve got most months mapped out. I’ve already bought concert tickets for April, and we’re hoping to take a trip to Chicago in May. Most months will be smaller affairs, though, like a movie or a trip to Target. You know how I love both of those outings!
5. Roll with the punches in our life with a toddler. In other words, potty training, moving to a big girl bed, working on our bedtime routine and possibly starting piano lessons. Yikes, that’s a lot of big stuff!

I’d also like to take a photography class, increase my blog traffic by providing better content and community, start a cooking club with my girlfriends, read some good books, stay fairly caught up on my scrapbooking and get a new job. But I’m not putting those on the main list. Short and sweet, remember?

Now, what about you? Have you blogged about your New Year’s resolutions and/or 2010 goals? I’d love to read it, so link up below!

If you aren’t going to blog about it, I hope you’ll still share your goals in the comments!



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Merry Christmas to all!

Merry Christmas, you all! I'll be back on Monday!

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My questions . . . and His answers

Photo by eleaf

I have a list. (Surprising, no?) A list of questions that I plan to ask God as soon as I get to heaven. It’s not a real long list, but it has some of the most important questions in my heart:

* Why did my friend Carrie have to die in that car accident?
* Why did my mother-in-law have to die before she was even 50?
* Why did God send me to grad school? (Why didn’t I love grad school?)
* Why didn’t our church plant work?
* Why did I lose my job while I was pregnant?
* Why are Annalyn and I okay and healthy (despite a delivery at 33 weeks)?

These are the hard questions of life. Or at least of my life.

To read more, please visit me at (in)courage today.

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Happy Thanksgiving!

Praise the LORD.

Give thanks to the LORD, for he is good;
his love endures forever.
(Psalm 106:1)

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Thankful Thursday: The Little Things

Image from The Legacy Builder

Last week, I was all set to tell you about the funny little things I’d thought about over the past week, small blessings that I was truly thankful for. But then I watched the Compassion Bloggers chat from El Salvador and was torn all to pieces.

I didn’t think I had the right to be thankful for the little things. I didn’t think it was okay to focus on the trivial parts of my abundantly rich life. I didn’t think it would be nice to talk about how blessed I am when so many are suffering.

And so I told you about how I pray with Annalyn every night, and we thank God for a place to live and food to eat (and Elmo to play with). And that was true. We do that. I keep it simple, so she can understand and start developing a true sense of gratitude.

But that’s not the end of the story.

See, we’re going through the book of Genesis at church. I’m not even sure what prompted my thoughts on Sunday – perhaps a reminder that God made every living thing on this planet – but I found myself feeling so convicted.

I realized, as I thought about the mountains and the trees and the rocks and the flowers and the birds and the dinosaurs (Just kidding. We did not talk about dinosaurs.) and the animals that God does amazing things. He always has, and He always will.

And He does them for us. So we can see Him and know Him and get a glimpse of His majesty.

Somehow, that thought brought another idea to mind: Maybe it’s okay to talk about how much I appreciate the little things. In fact, maybe it would be wrong not to be grateful for the little things. So, without further ado or deep thought, here are a few things I’m thankful for today:

• Good friends who make me laugh so hard my sides hurt.
• Finding Cinnamon Trident at the Target register a couple weeks ago. Red Trident has been missing for so long . . . and I have been missing it. So I bought two packs (one for me, one for my dad, who's also been missing the red gum).
• Coupons to my favorite department store. Even better? Two coupons - one for $25 off and one for 25% off - that I can use together.
• Getting the opportunity to sing a great song at our Christmas program.
• The chance to write for (in)courage. I love the community and ministry that they've built at Dayspring, and being a part of it has really blessed me this fall!
• Meeting The Pioneer Woman at her book signing on Monday.
• A wonderful friend who not only agreed to watch Annalyn at the last minute but also brought her McDonald's for dinner!
  
• And speaking of my daughter - Annalyn fell off her chair at Chipotle yesterday and hit the concrete floor. Aside from a bump on her head, though, she's completely fine - and apparently able to turn a backflip. I'm so thankful for God's protection (despite us feeding her fast food twice in three days!)!
• The fact that even when you don't technically follow the recipe and the Rice Krispy treats don't turn out exactly right . . . they still taste good.
  

So there you have it. Maybe these things are minor, insignificant, small. But they're mine. And I'm thankful for them.

What are you thankful for today? Link up your thankful posts below or tell us in the comments!

(P.S. This post will be entered in Scribbit's Write-Away Contest. You can do it, too. It's not too late to enter. You have until Sunday!)

It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life

I’ve always been what you might call particular. Or, if you’re so inclined, persnickety. I prefer to say I’m exact or, you know, a fan of things being correct.

Whatever you call it, this characteristic has served me well when it comes to my understanding and use of the English language.

Yes, you know it. I’m one of those. I’m a card-carrying member of The Grammar Police. I’m a spelling bee lover. I’m a nerd.

That’s why becoming a professional proofreader was just about the most sensible job change I’ve ever made. (And let me just remind you I have made more than a few job changes in my life.)

So it’s a bit ironic that it was at this very job that I discovered what has become my favorite quote:

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing,
is giving up on being perfect
and beginning the work of becoming yourself.

What? But my job is based on being perfect! If I’m not perfect, then we’re all in trouble!

Um, no. Not really. It turns out that missing a typo on an ad for dog food does not, in fact, cause the world to stop turning.

Allegedly Apparently, nobody really expects me to be perfect.

What a relief! And, honestly, what a struggle. It’s hard for me to accept less than the best, even from – no, especially from – myself. It turns out I’m not alone in this struggle.

Joan C. Webb, a recovering workaholic and perfectionist, has written several books on this very topic, including her newest, It’s a Wonderful (Imperfect) Life. This devotional is a collection of daily reminders that God wants and longs to relieve women from living in a continually overwhelmed state. By reducing our unrealistic expectations, we can find the difference between “trying too hard to make it all just right” (mental chase for flawlessness, which is impossible) and “partnering with God for excellence” (enjoying quality in balance, which is not only possible, but reasonable).

Today, I have the opportunity to share with you one of the devotions from Joan’s book.

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Mark of a Perfect Perfectionist

To all perfection I see a limit. – Psalm 119:96

For months I meticulously planned for a state-wide writing seminar. I wrote confirmation letters, signed contracts, made phones calls and took notes. Schedules and menus were verified, deposits made, and attendance counts submitted.

I arrived at the hall on the designated morning to discover the speaker and board members standing on the sidewalk in the cold. All doors were locked. A security guard drove by, felt sorry for us and let us in. Once inside, we found no podium, microphone or breakfast setup. I made some phone calls and a half an hour later learned that the mix-up was due to someone's faulty alarm clock. He would take a shower, get dressed and come set-up for us. Obviously, this would happen past our starting time.

We had no control over these circumstances, but we had a choice: We could ignore reality (remember, that’s the mark of a perfect perfectionist!) and force through our perfectly planned agenda, consequently experiencing mounting stress, or we could smile, be flexible and bypass the frustration.

We chose to laugh and start the seminar late. The situation confirmed to me again that trying to be a perfect person in an imperfect world is impossible. It also showed me something else: I can change. And that’s no small miracle! Thank you, Lord.

Lord, there are obvious limits to all my perfect planning.
Help me learn to be flexible and adjust to changing circumstances.

Make It Personal: What happened to you this week that you had absolutely no control over? What did you like or not like about how you handled it?

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This post is part of a blog tour traveling the Internet over the next several days. The next devotional will be posted on A Future Pastor’s Wife on Monday, and you can see all the posts on Joan’s site.

How do you deal with less-than-perfect situations you have no control over?

Marriage. Marriage is what brings us together today.

Thanks to the wonders of Facebook, I found out over the weekend that one of my dearest friends has left his wife of more than a dozen years.

As I learned about his affair and the battle that’s already begun over his two children, I sobbed. I didn’t know what to say, how to react, what to feel. I just knew that nothing about this situation is okay.

And I was reminded of a couple years ago when three of our couple friends (friend couples?) got divorced, all within a few months of each other. One couple went through a very public split that involved betrayal and infidelity; another couple lost a business, their house and eventually their love for each other. The third couple just stopped fighting and moved on.

I don’t say any of this lightly. Though I was close to each of the couples I’m describing, I’m well aware that I have no idea of the pain they’ve been through. All of my friends who have experienced divorce have hurt – they’ve hurt each other and they’ve been hurt themselves – and I know they still bear the scars of broken relationships, broken promises, broken hearts.

Thinking about this, facing this – it just makes me so sad. I don’t presume to know the details of anyone else’s relationship or what is right or wrong for anyone’s life. But I do know that each of my friends made promises to God and to each other, and those promises have been broken.

I’ve broken promises, too. Mark and I have been married for 10 years (woo-hoo!), but the majority of those years have been peppered with fights and frustrations and tears and tantrums and disappointments and – hmmm, I wish I could think of something else that started with a “d.” But you get the point.

We came into marriage with expectations and assumptions, and we each let the other down in every way possible. We’re going through a Bible study about marriage right now, and the chapter we just finished talks about focusing on the good things about your spouse and ignoring the bad things. Let’s just say we had that reversed for more than a few years.

Early in our marriage, we even considered whether or not we’d made a mistake by getting married in the first place. I said I didn’t know if it would work. I thought that maybe it wouldn’t.

I’m not sure how we made it through. Not without scars of our own, that’s for sure. But somehow, we kept putting one foot in front of the other. We kept coming home to each other. We kept trying to fight it out and figure it out. We talked, we cried (Okay, I cried. Mark handed me Kleenex.), we prayed, we screamed, we planned, we promised – and then we did it all over again.

Why did we stay together? Is it that we couldn’t stand breaking our promises for good? Were we afraid of disappointing our families? Were things really not that bad?

Well, no. They were bad. We’ve had, ahem, issues. But in the end, we still loved each other. (Even when we didn’t like each other at all.) And we realized that our problems didn’t make us want to escape the relationship. Instead, they just made us anxious – no, desperate – to fix what had gone wrong.

I am not judging my friends or anyone else who has ended a marriage. I know that it’s only by the grace of God that I have not been in their shoes. Those situations break my heart, but they also remind me of how blessed I am. I spent the afternoon after learning about my friend’s affair patting my husband on the arm, just making sure he knows that I’m still here, and that I’m glad he’s still here, too.

A few of my friends have written some beautiful posts recently about marriage, and I want to share them with you.

• Lisa-Jo wrote about expectations and the Prince Charming myth.
• Sarah wrote about her affair and how God redeemed her – and her marriage.
• And Alece shared the story of her husband’s betrayal and how she’s picking up the pieces.

I also want to hear from you, about your relationships, about your experience. How have you made it through tough times in your marriage?

Can you imagine a life without fear?

Five years ago, I coordinated an eight-week fundraising campaign, including the semi-formal, catered dinner and auction that capped it off. A project that had previously raised around $100,000 to help fight cancer had grown to raise nearly $275,000. I name that campaign as one of the top two accomplishments of my entire life.

At the close of that final event, the script I’d written called for someone to walk up on stage, take the microphone and announce the final total we had raised. After working my tail off for months and pouring my heart and soul into the whole thing, I was – what I call understandably – pretty darned proud of our success.

So you can imagine how excited I was to hop up on stage and announce what we’d done.

But before I could do just that, my manager speed-walked through the room and stomped up the stairs to make the announcement – and, presumably, take credit for what had been accomplished.

Immediately, my eyes welled with tears. I think I even turned away, not able to watch what I perceived to be an incredible injustice. In less than one minute, I went from a completely confident professional practically vibrating with excitement to a shaking, angry, devastated girl who just wanted to hide in the bathroom.

What on earth? What happened in that moment?

As I stood there with my curled hair and made-up eyes, in the beautiful ballroom packed with generous guests, I was overcome by fear. I was afraid that all my work would go unnoticed. I was afraid that nobody would realize who was truly responsible for the campaign’s success. I was afraid that nothing I did really mattered.

I was afraid of being insignificant.

It turns out I’m not the only one afraid of insignificance. At least, I think I must not be, because Max Lucado addresses that very topic first in his latest book, Fearless: Imagine Your Life Without Fear.

We’re all afraid of something. For me, the list includes trains, bugs that sting, losing someone else I love in a car accident, something bad happening to my daughter, my husband dying and not living up to my potential. And that’s just the Cliff Notes version.

With Fearless, Lucado asks us to imagine a life without fear. Addressing 12 types of fears, including insignificance, violence, change, poverty, death and being unforgivable, Lucado uses Scripture to illustrate just how God can eliminate each of those fears and ends with a chapter about the one legitimate fear: the fear of the Lord.

Written with light self-deprecating humor and a casual, friendly tone, Fearless is an easy, encouraging and sometimes even entertaining read. On the other hand, Lucado’s quiet confidence backed by solid Scripture references allows the book to carry more weight, more substance than any oversimplified reminder that God is in control and everything will be all right.

I kept waiting to be disappointed by this book. You might find this shocking, but before “Fearless,” I hadn’t read any books by Max Lucado. I own books by Max Lucado, but I hadn’t read any. [Sorry, Mr. Lucado.]

I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Some Christian books glaze over the hard questions, skimming the surface of real life and offering pleasant platitudes to ease our pain and dispel our fears.

Lucado didn’t get off that easily. Sure, I finished a couple chapters and wished I’d gotten more answers. But not because Lucado ignored the fact that sometimes bad things do happen – even to those with enormous faith. No, he fully acknowledges that fact of life.

I guess part of me was just hoping this book would provide a step-by-step, money-back guaranteed list of instructions on how to get rid of every fear. In 30 days or less, of course.

With or without an infomercial-style solution, Fearless is a good book. It was a quick and easy read, but it also offers the possibility for more with a 37-page discussion guide that can be used by individuals or groups. I read some of the book’s chapters in-depth, but I skimmed others. And I think using a guide like this one would be helpful.

Are you wondering how my big fancy event ended? Well, I was blessed to have amazing friends at that job, and one of those women saw what was happening. And before I could allow those tears to spill down my cheeks and completely shrink into myself, she grabbed my arm and pulled me up to the stage.

I took the microphone. I made the announcement. The crowd clapped. And then I cried.

Since then I’ve realized that applause and microphones and spotlights don’t make me significant. Only God does that. But it’s still something I struggle with every single day. And I’m thankful for Lucado’s reminder in Fearless: “Courage is always a possibility.”

What are you afraid of?